So a lot has happened since my last post

That's actually why my last post was so short because she told me as I was writing it. My mother in law bought me a car! It's the car I've been wanting! So yeah I'm very thankful for that! But now I'm worried. I don't have the title. The last few days we've been trying to get it and the guy who sold us the car is being difficult. Luckily my mom has a cop friend and got him to run the vin # to make sure it wasn't stolen. Very thankfully it wasn't. The guy bought it from a dealership and resold it (he left the bill of sale in the car). I guess the dealership still had the title. He told us yesterday that the title would be ready today. We call today and "someone was in the hospital" so he didn't get it today. This is getting really sketchy. The bill of sale is also really sketchy. We still need his address. We met him outside of his really nice apartment complex by target in Atlanta, so we kinda know where he lives. It's just really, really making my anxiety bad. But luckily my MIL has me insured on her policy. I need to print out the info though so I can put the card in my car.

Man I can't take all this uncertainty! It's absolutely killing my anxiety! I really wish I could go on medication but I obviously can't afford it. Since I've moved in with Daniel and his mom I've only been able to sleep until my normal time of 10:30 twice. I keep getting anxious and I wake up too early. I've been up since like 7. I don't have to be to school until 2. Besides having some homework it would've been the perfect day to sleep in. My anxiety is definitely getting worse. Before it didn't come up all that often. Maybe a couple of instances a week. Now it's every day. My accounting class really isn't helping.

Daniel is trying to help me calm down and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I tell myself to calm down and everything will work out. It doesn't work. Ughh... Here's the chain of events that needs to happen for what I think will make me feel better.

1. Get the title to my car
2. Get my car registered
3. Work more hours or get a different job
4. Pay for my own gas
5. Pay Daniel's mom back for my car
6. Go on anxiety medicine
7. Do well on my accounting test
8. Get my wisdom teeth out

I also owe my mom for books and maybe tires? idk though. I'm hoping she'll let it go. Especially the tires since I'm not even driving that car.

What's frustrating is I haven't even worked any shifts yet. I have two this weekend that I won't make any money. I did the math and almost all of my paycheck would be going to gas if i was working the SAME amount I was before. This sucks so much... I really can't handle all of this.

On top of that my mom bought ANOTHER dog. I mean COME ON!! She complains about having to clean up dog pee all the time.  Well guess what? That amount is going to double since it's a puppy! I really think she has lost her mind. I didn't even pay the dog the time of day. I told her I hope she knows what shes doing and that she needs to get rid of the other dog, but it doesn't matter. Now at that house there are 4 dogs and 2 cats. Really low maintenance.

I really wish I had my crap together right now. That's what gets me the most is not knowing what the outcome is when stability will come. I really don't deal with change well.

On a better note I'm very thankful for Daniel and his mom. Without them I'd probably be in a fetal position in the corner right now lol. They both have helped me very much. They're making getting through all these things possible. I'm very thankful Sandi (his mom) bought me a car. Incredibly thankful. Now I don't need to save up for a car but pay one off. Which is much better in my opinion.

I really don't want to go to school today. All I'm doing is going to pe and watching a movie in my lit and film class and I still don't want to go. Maybe I'm getting depressed who knows.

&*^%&%$

I couldn't really think of a title. I'm starting to wonder if I've reached my point as a minimalist. I don't really think there's anything else I can willingly get rid of. I don't feel like I'm there, but maybe I am.

Now I want to rebuild. I've gotta admit, there's a certain level of deprivation I'm feeling that I wasn't expecting. Now I will say I still want to have a minimal amount of possessions. The least amount I can function with. But the clothes thing isn't gonna work for me. Also I think I could some some more "personality" or decorations. All I really have right now is a orange elephant bank, a jewelry holder, and a vase with peacock feathers in it.

Venting pt. 2

Head's up: If you don't want to hear me whine, don't read this post.

So lately a lot of stressful stuff has been happening. It hurts me because most of it deals with my mom. My mom used to be my best friend. Somewhere along the way something happened. I feel like it happened when I turned 18. My mom just kind of cut me off. Before that I was already pretty much paying for all of my things for the most part. Once I turned 18, she stopped paying for everything short of my phone bill and car insurance. No clothes, toiletries, gas, (although she never paid for that cause I got my license when i was 18), hardly any food. It's hard to support yourself on a part-time income. She doesn't realize that.

I don't know if we're ever going to have a good relationship again. Sounds harsh, but it's probably true. I feel like she doesn't even care about me. All she cares about is the fact that I ask her for money. She never asks me how I'm doing or anything even remotely similar to that. She probably doesn't even have the slightest clue about what classes I'm taking this semester. She doesn't care. I don't think she's asked me once since I've started college 3 years ago how school is going. She's soaked up in her own world of suckyness and that's all she cares about. She's selfish. We all have are own problems.

Yesterday I went into my old job, sucked up my pride, and asked for my job back. A few hours ago my manager called me and told me that I can pick up some expo shifts. Kind of crappy shifts but right now anything is better than nothing. So I called my mom extremely excited. Was she happy? Nope. She complained that she gave me two crappy weekend shifts. That I'm getting screwing me over. I'm so over it. She can never be happy for me. NOTHING satisfies her. It really, really hurts. So for the most part what I'm going to do is pay off my debts to her (textbooks, maybe tires), get my phone line off hers,and stop contacting her (I'll only respond if she calls or texts me first.)

It may sound harsh, but I'm tired of being her bank-draining punching bag. She uses me. I actually enjoy her company when she's not complaining. She just uses me to complain about her problems or get me to do something for her. She doesn't care about me. Do you think she would call me to see how I'm doing? No way. It really hurts.

I can't even talk to her about my problems. Whenever I do she'll say like one thing about it then change the subject to herself again. I don't even think she realizes she's doing it.

She expects the impossible out of me. She expects me to be able to pay her back, pay for gas to drive 200 miles a week, and save up for a car and my future, pay for clothes necessities and fun, textbooks and tuition on a part time job. Not only that but be in school full time and keep my grades up. And never ask for help.Sounds easy right?

So until she appreciates me I'm going to let her wallow in her own problems that she brought on herself. There's nothing else I can do. I've tried to help her. I've given her advice COUNTLESS times. Does she EVER listen? Nope. Well I give up. If she's not going to treat me like her child and treat me like a leech I'm going to leave her alone. She is letting money get in the way of our relationship. To her money is more important than our relationship. If that's all she cares about then I'm gonna try my damnedest not to ask her for money (which I already do) but this time it will be combined with not trying to talk to her.  And you know what? Doing this won't teach her a damn thing. She'll just think I don't care about her (or not even notice). She won't consider why I'm doing it. She doesn't think about anybody but herself.

I'm getting myself away from that negativity. It's bringing me down and standing in the way of my happiness. Moving in with Daniel and his mom is the best thing I could've done for my happiness. I love my family, but I can't be around them. Since moving in with Daniel I've noticed that I've been so much happier and less stressed out. Just more relaxed. Sure this stuff has come up the last few days, but once that settles I'll be happy again. I can't do that in my old house. My mom makes it impossible. She wants to bring everyone down with her. So I'm doing the best thing I can do for myself and stay away from her. Well it feels a lot better to get that off my chest.

This anxiety thing

never gets any easier to handle.

Gotta vent

Lately I've been so stressed out. My anxiety is getting to me. Especially about school. I keep waking up really early for no reason. Yesterday my car broke down at school when I was getting my parking pass. It stalled half way out of the parking spot and I had to get some people to help me push it back into place. Great way to start school. I'm just happy I got there. And what class was I going to? Accounting. It's accounting 1 and 2 combined into one semester so I go 3 times a week for 2 hours each day. I know accounting is hard. Daniel who makes great grades had a hard time with it. I'm just glad I have relatively easy classes so I can focus most of my attention on that. So after my class Daniel came to help me fix it. We couldn't get it. We tried for what felt like an hour or so. So then we called my mom who just got done putting a contract on another house. She came and actually fixed it within like 10 minutes. She unplugged some connection around the gas tank and it worked. I was so thankful. Getting off of that high of my car being fixed, my tire started shredding on the highway. I will say though that the car was acting kind of funny on the way to school. It was shaking A LOT way more than it usually does.

Anyway so as I'm driving I heard something loud slapping against my car. I thought I ran over something then saw black stuff flying behind me. But I knew I didn't see anything before which is why I was confused. So luckily I was in the right lane and nobody was near me so I was able to pull off pretty easily. I called Daniel who was driving ahead of me and my mom who was way behind me. (Daniel didn't see it happen cause he was a few hundred feet ahead of me.) So he had to turn around for me. My mom stopped to get gas so she actually got to me first because she didn't have to turn around. After 20 minutes of cars driving past us instead of getting in the right lane and me crying (I was in shock. I know I'm very thankful nothing worse happened and I was able to control the car). They came up with the idea that we drive in the shoulder until we got to walmart to get it fixed. Luckily we were probably only 3 or 4 miles away from the exit. Daniel drove in front of me and my mom drove behind me. I was TERRIFIED. One of them probably would of drove my car but they both drive manuals. And I wouldn't be able to drive theirs back. When we finally got there we ended up getting 2 tires replaced because the passengers side tire was probably going to burst at any time. But something good is that my car isn't shaking at all anymore! It was shaking like crazy before. Also the alignment it like perfect now. Before it veered to the right A LOT. But that's fixed too. I can't believe the tires made that much of a difference.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention my tire didn't completely explode I was able to drive it but you could see the metal in the tire. Anyway, I was stressed out on top of that because my mom was complaining about the price and was bargaining with them. I know I can't pay here back right now. On top of that again, I found out that I need NEW accounting books. Everything together will cost about $300. Then I need my PE book which will be $70 if I get a used one. So $370. Ugh. I'm gonna keep that (accounting book) thing in pristine condition so I can sell it as new on amazon.

I'm gonna miss Daniel today. I didn't get to spend much time with him yesterday if you don't count working on the car. I won't be able to see him until after 5 today cause I have school and he has work. Ugh. Well I guess I'm gonna go take a shower. I got class at 2.

Money

I really wish I had a job. I've applied at many places and haven't heard anything back. Besides from target telling me they have no positions available. I'm slipping by without one, but that's only thanks to Daniel and his mom for food. However I will say, one good thing to come out of it is that my health is improving. Where I was eating fast food probably 7-8 times a week, we've narrowed it down to like 2. Still not awesome. But yesterday we had to buy it cause we spent the night at a friends and went to the mall around lunch time. (If you're wondering what we ate it was a rice and bean burrito from taco bell) Anyway, my vegetarian diet is also helping obviously. Since we have food at home now I haven't even been thinking about fast food. I also know I can't spend any money. Between all my accounts I have like $50. about $30 of that is in my savings.

I'm also really stressed because school is coming up which means gas money and books. I'm really hoping my mom won't mind spotting me the money until I get something.

It's funny to think how much money I'd be saving living the way I am now and having income. Probably a lot. Ugh. I NEED A JOB! I hate having to be dependent on people!

Denial

I don't know why we sometimes torture ourselves pretending to be someone we're not. The last week or so I've been having a lot of white girl thinking time (family guy reference) about who I am. Sure I want to be girlier, but I don't need to completely replace my wardrobe to do it. I don't need to buy hundreds of dollars worth of make-up. I just need to add on to who I am, not change myself. It's funny how it takes an episode of King of the Hill to realize that. I'm not going to get into the details but I'm glad I saw it. Ok well I will say this. Peggy (main character's wife) was trying to be more hip like this one mom. She was doing research and changing her looks and interests based on what the "hip" mom liked. The "moral" of the story wasn't what helped me realize what I did, but seeing a person go through and do research to become something that is nothing like what they actually are is wrong.

I'm not the girl who goes shopping for clothes once a week, buys everything pink or does reviews on make-up. I like black and white. I like clean surfaces. I like that I'm not in debt. I like that my closet is only half full. I like not having much. Why did I take a vacation from myself? I am who I am. Nobody told me to become who I am. I didn't do research to become who I am. (Well maybe for minimalism lol) Even then I didn't do it to really change who I am. I read about it because I was interested in how other people were doing it. Anyway, I feel better.