Dog Grooming

The other day Daniel and I went to petsmart. When we were in the checkout I looked over and saw all the dogs on the tables being groomed. I thought to myself, "huh, that actually seems like fun." I like cutting hair (my own anyway). it can't possibly be as hard as cutting human hair. I know it's completely different, but I don't know, it just seems like a really low stress job. It's got to smell pretty bad though. I'm not saying it would be a career choice, but maybe if I did actually get into it, I could open up my own business.

My hair has like almost completely faded. It's only been like one or two weeks (wtf?). Although I kept saying that I hoped it would fade. Guess I got my wish. I shouldn't have washed it everyday, but that's just how I roll. It didn't fade into a light color either :( Man I am never satisfied. Now that I've had it red, I kind of want to have it natural. Just so I can get it healthy. Next time I dye it, I may dye it my natural color. Assuming it fades enough at the top. That color in the picture should be pretty close.

I know I probably wouldn't actually do this, but I found this one girl on etsy (I think she's a shop owner as well as the model). She has an odd hair style, but I actually like it. It's actually pretty short compared to my hair now, but I just want that dark hair out soo bad! One thing I have to keep in mind too is my wedding. I have NO idea how I want to do my hair yet, but I should probably try to get it as long as possible (all layers and as if that wasn't the goal anyway). Her style is actually really thin at the bottom. I don't know if there's a way I could pull that off with long hair or not.

I've actually kind of been liking the "ombre" look lately (just found out what it's called). The girls hair is actually kind of like that. Where it's darker on top than the bottom. My hair just never looks natural no matter what I do to it. It's always so obvious that I dye my hair.

I tried dry shampoo for the first time today. It's actually not bad. i don't know if I'll go three or four days without washing my hair, but it's good for doing like every other day. I really wish we could all just snap our fingers and have our hair exactly how we want it. I'd have a lot less blog entries if that were the case! I wonder how long I should wait before dying it again. At least a month probably. I also wonder if the dye will get the red out. I hope so! It would look really weird if it didn't. There's probably no way to get the ombre look without growing out my hair.. even then it would be opposite (light on top dark on bottom). That's how it is now and it looks dumb. I need to start taking biotin again. I haven't been for a while. I could always just go to the salon, but I don't want to completely fry my hair. I also don't want to spend that much on it.

Oh yeah I added chamomile tea to my shampoo and conditioner. It's supposed to help it lighten. I'm not sure if it works on colored hair or not, but I'm willing to try it. So far I've only used it like 3 times and haven't noticed a difference yet, and probably won't until the bottles gone if I notice one at all.

Title

So I don't know if the pain I was experiencing was anxiety or not. I'm guessing it was. Either that or muscular pain. I ended up going to an after hours medical place (with my mom's temporary insurance) because the pain came back. They prescribed me a bottle of 10 .5 dose of xanex (scary). I haven't tried it yet, because I haven't needed to. Today I've been completely fine. Hmm I thought I would have more to write about than I actually do.

...

Sometimes I feel like I try too hard. I don't like the feeling. It just happens. I don't really know how to avoid it. I've just kind of moved on from who I was in the past, like we all do. Interests change. So is it trying to find yourself or trying too hard?

All this stress is getting to me

I believe I had my first real panic attack today. It started last night with some pain in my chest. Since I was in bed and in between dreams I wasn't worried about it. However I woke up this morning with the same pain. It didn't feel like any kind of chest pain I've ever experienced, it definitely wasn't indigestion. It just felt like pressing on my chest over my heart. Since I eat pretty crappy, I've been pretty high strung lately, and my grandfather's twin brother died at the early age of 14 with a heart attack I started panicking. Of course I got on the internet and looked up symptoms. When I read that the symptoms may not be that obvious I started freaking out even more. I took some medicine with aspirin in it as a precaution. As the time passed I only became more panicked, especially since my mom wouldn't answer her phone. Eventually I got my sister to wake her up so I could talk to her. They (mom and sis) told me I should take the anxiety pills my mom gave me. So I took one and talked on the phone with my mom for half an hour. While on the phone with her, I started feeling tightness and almost coldness over my heart. After that, I took a shower and by then all the anxiety had subsided. Once I got dressed I started playing a game on my phone and that got my mind off things, so I switched to my xbox. I still had a little pain when I got out of the shower, but it was intermittent at that point. I still kind of feel it here and there, but I think I'm fine.

What was bothering me was I didn't wake up feeling anxious or thinking about anything stressful. I just woke up to pain. The pain is what made me anxious. So I have no idea what triggered it. I'm really hoping it was an anxiety attack and not the beginning stages of a heart attack.

I just can't cope with the stress! I never used to get anxious like this! I know it all has to do with the health insurance. I never used to get anxious about health until I had a lymph node randomly swell in my neck and they couldn't find a reason why it did. I wasn't sick or anything. I got scared I had lymphoma. Every since then I've been the worst hypochondriac ever. For some reason I always think I'm gonna die. I never think I may just have a disease, but that I'll die. I really need anxiety medicine, but wait! I don't have insurance. lose, lose.

Eye Shadows I've been eyeing

I've really been wanting both naked pallets. I know they're both really close in color, but I still want them. It would be about $100 for the both of them. The third one is from sephora's line. It has more greys and purples. Normally I hate purple, but in eye shadow, I like it. It's like the sexy victoria's secret look kind of. besides these I would like to find a military type color pallet with like olive type colors. I haven't found one yet. I have one from maybelline, but I'm just kind of over drugstore brands. I want to start my "quality over quantity" thing. I know they'll be expensive up front, but they'll last me a loooooong time and I've heard raving reviews from basically every girl on the internet.

This is my collection. I don't even know if I'd call it a collection, it's just what I have. The "browntones" one is for my eyebrows, but I haven't been using it lately.

As I mentioned I finally replaced my eye liner which I'm happy about! Now I have all physicians formula make up besides eye shadows! I don't think I'm going to buy anymore PF eye shadows after this one. They're not actually that great. The color is good and they're really shimmery, but too opaque. Plus the colors I want from them can probably be found on one of the pallets I mentioned earlier that I want to buy. However I know I'm going to need to buy some new things pretty soon. I'm running low on powder and concealer. I'm not going to rebuy the concealer. I'm going to buy this one instead.

I'm just hoping I don't get obsessed with make-up. I always do that. I always want everything to be perfect. What I really need to do is not try to use everything up once I get those pallets, if I do. I don't think I will since I would've spent so much money on them.

:D

I just dyed my hair red! It actually turned out this time!! Obviously the lower part of my hair didn't. I wasn't expecting it too. This red is a good red! It's pretty intense! Maybe I'll take a picture later on. I'm just worried about my job. I don't think it will be a big deal. At least I hope not. Anyway, besides the lower part of my hair, I'm very pleased. This is the first time since I've been trying to get my hair red (since February last year) I actually got the color I wanted! I'm sure it will fade over the next two weeks. Which I'm ok with for now. To preserve it I could get some shampoo for red hair or colored hair or whatever but I don't know yet cause I kind of want it to tone down a shade.

Probably should've pushed my glasses up a bit. lol

I want the rest of my hair to grow out soo bad! I'm trying to decide if I should cut it once my hair has only like 1/4 dark left or if I should just keep it until the last of it's gone. I'll probably end up cutting it early, but we'll see. I need to take biotin again. I was taking it, but then I just stopped because I've been forgetting. I'm just happy because I finally found I dye I will continue to buy instead of sampling so many!

I feel like I've been buying a lot lately.

I'm guessing because of christmas. It all started with that bath & body works gift card. I went right after christmas when I knew they'd be having the "yellow" sales. I could've just bought like 2 candles. But no. I bought 4 mini sprays, 2 mini lotions, 1 big lotion, and 3 of the oil air fresheners. Since then I've bought a betta fish & accessories, 7 shirts, 1 pair of pants, a victoria's secret body spray (one I've been wanting for a while), a candle and candle holder, 2 nails polishes, an eyeliner I've been wanting to buy. I think that's it. But if I'm able to recall what I've bought for the past 2 or 3 weeks, you know I'm paying attention to what I'm buying. I wouldn't really consider any of it to be extraneous though. Well except the lotions, body sprays and maybe the candle.

I really only like and use 1 of the sprays I bought, the big lotion and the air freshener things. I actually like the candle. It's one of the small ones they sell at bath & body works for like $1.50. They had these glass holders on sale for them so it was get 1 candle and the holder for $1.50. The holder is bigger, so it looks cool with the small glass candle inside of it. Also those types of candles are kind of like samples and go by quick, which I like. And they have them all the time. I don't think they have those glass holders all the time though which is why I bought it. I couldn't decide if I wanted to buy more than one or not. I just got one, because I could already tell I would have a hard time wanting to put more than one anywhere in my room. And wouldn't want more that one scent going at a time (and I know I wouldn't buy two of the same scent). Enough candle rambling!

I'm actually excited about the nail polish too. I have kind of a weird relationship with nail polish. I always want to buy it. So I do. Then I use it once and never want to use it again. That's probably because I buy colors that are kind of crazy. Well that's what I was doing. Also the two colors I'm referring to are the same brand. The brand lasts FOREVER. In a bad way. I need to get a better nail polish remover because mine CANNOT get it off. I get tired of the color easily and get annoyed when I can't get it off. Also the bottles are kind of big. However, the ones I bought recently have a different story. :) They're NYC which means they're cheap. The bottles are also fairly small. They work really well considering the price. They stay on the perfect amount of time. They have the "dry in a minute" thing. And best of all, the color is good for both. I'm going to try and buy that brand when I can instead of getting anything else.

I guess I've just been in a girly mood lately. lol.

...

Since I hadn't done anything in my room in a while and had been reading some minimalist blogs, I decided to venture through my closet again. I decided to focus on my keepsakes. My over organization was costing me a lot of closet space. I was able to condense everything into one large tub. Where as before I had everything in 2 large tubs and 1 smaller sized one. I didn't even get rid of anything! I'm pretty satisfied with that. Until I can get rid of those tubs, they're still unfortunately in my closet.

On another note I think I know why minimalism has felt so hard or strenuous for me as opposed to other minimalists. A lot of them declutter from their adult life on. I've read many blogs that mentioned their old high school belongings in their parents basement. I don't have those, well many anyway. Those are what I've been working so hard to get rid of. It's not easy. However, I know it's easier for me now than it would've been when I'm in my 40's going through things. Hopefully I won't regret doing so in the future. I haven't yet.

I'm so happy to have my keepsakes down to one box! Oh yeah I forgot to mention 2 of my sculptures didn't fit in the box and under the bed they went. One of them I don't even like that much. The other one is the typical panty hose sculpture, but with painting on it and I actually really like the painting. It's unfortunate that the shape is so awkward.

I still have that stupid pile of things in my closet I need to make my mind up about. I don't know why it's taking me so long. Half of it is stuff that I know I want to get rid of, but I'm not going to take to goodwill because I may be able to get money for them. Another fraction of it is vases that I need to take to my mom's but feel guilty about. But she'll probably use them before I do. And I would like them back one day, but not until we have our own apartment or house. That pretty much leaves a few items of clothes I need to decide on, the media shelf thing Daniel won't take, and that lamp.

You know ever since I started my "journey" I thought I would have sooo much time to be creative and work on art. But I really haven't had the urge to. I think my interests have just changed. Obviously I would love to paint and draw but I just am never in the mood to do it. I can't explain how much I wish I was! Oh well. Maybe it will come back one day.

My Minimalist Pet

A betta fish! I just bought one yesterday. Sure it's no papillon, but it is pretty! This one isn't mine but it does look similar and I bought the same container for it. However, I replaced the background with just plain printer paper. The one mine came with really took away from the fish. I may eventually change it to something else.  I'd like to go to hobby lobby and get some sort of cool stones or something for the bottom. I looked at dollar tree and wal-mart and they didn't have anything.

A betta fish really is just about the most minimalist pet. It stays in a tiny container. You feed it every day and change the water every so often. I think you are supposed to do it like once a week. I used to have a betta and never changed the water that often. Mine lived for 2 years. And top of it all, it's cool to look at, almost like live art.

My Mom

She had surgery today on her neck and back. Everything went well! However, I am exhausted! I've been up since 5 this morning so I could be with her before. I slept really badly. But I'm very happy everything went well! It's really scary seeing her in the state she's in though. She can barely open her mouth and hasn't eaten or drank anything today besides a few ice chips. She really can't even move. They're keeping her overnight. I wish I could go with my step-dad to get her tomorrow, but I have to go to school. Actually I just checked my classes I don't have class until 5:30 and I get out at 8:15. I thought they started at like 2 or 3. I've actually missed night classes. I hate going during the day. To me it's just more laid back at night.

Well I hope my mom is doing better by tomorrow. I can't stand to see her like this.

Getting Married

I really just want to hurry up and be married! People are always asking about it and I never have any news to tell them. Neither one of us can support ourselves right now. I'm gonna start looking for a new job within the next few weeks. We both need new jobs.

I'm excited to be married! I just want the wedding itself to be over with. I'm not one of those girls that's dreamed of the perfect white wedding since I was 5. Honestly I think it's because I don't have any friends. I don't have a wedding party besides my sister. There's someone I'm thinking of asking but that would only be 2 people. I barely have any family. The family I have I really don't even know and live in new york. I don't have anyone to get excited about the wedding with besides Daniel. Daniel's mom is excited. I just need someone on my side to be excited about it. I also don't have any money. At this point in time I cannot support myself and it's scary.

I really just want to be out of the house. I'm tired of not being taken seriously. I'm tired of hiding things from adults. I just want to be myself!

on a different note, I bought a photography book today from the thrift store! Now I just need to read it. It's a 1987 textbook. But it starts with the basics and deals with film cameras. Sure I could just look up that stuff online, but I don't know I just want to do it this way. I would like a dslr, but who wouldn't? At this point I don't even have a point and shoot. We'll just have to see. I do have a birthday coming up. Obviously I don't expect a super great camera right off the bat.

Happy New Year!

I didn't really think about my resolutions much last night, but if I had to say what they were now it'd probably be what I've already talked about:

Finding a hobby
Doing more yoga
Finally getting married and starting our lives

I had a pretty good new year's with my family. I had to work though which sucked, but oh well.

Man I can't wait until April. I'm going to be 21 on the 24th. I'm really excited. I want to go to the shooting range and go to a bar called The Brick Store in atlanta. Daniel went there on his 21st birthday and he loved it. Originally I wanted to get a tattoo, but I can't decide if I want to or not. If I did I would get a grey scale feather.

This is probably where I would want it.

The feather itself would probably look like this but with more black. 

I've got time to think about it. There's so many tattoo ideas and places that I love, but I'm scared to get them. Mostly because I want a job.

Man right now I am so bored and still can't think of anything to write about.  I just cut my bangs like an hour ago. Not really exciting.